“OK!” shouts Phil, “it’s time for the jelly and ice cream. Who wants?”
Alliefonts are ice cream loving fools, so everyone at the party leaps up at these words and rushes towards Al, who is standing by the freezer. He opens the door and gasps, “the ice cream has gone!”
Phil turns to the crowd with a thunderous expression on his face.
“Who has eaten ice cream today without asking?” he demands. “It must be someone we know or the ice cream princess would not have taken the sacrifice from our freezer. Own up!!!”
There is nothing to be heard except the sound of shuffling feet and a few nervous coughs. Eventually Zobe steps forwards.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, shakily, “I don’t understand. I don’t know anything about an ice cream princess… But I did eat some ice cream today. It was given to me by an old lady today called Gladys.”
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THAT NAME!!!!” cries Phil, but on seeing that her confusion is genuine he tries to explain. “We elephants are the keepers of the ice cream, and the woman of whom you speak is our arch enemy. You are a silly child to be taken in by her.”
He pauses for a moment and his face softens. “But you did not know,” he says, “and you seem sorry now. Do not make the same mistake again.”
He turns away, and without another word Al starts serving up dishes of jelly. No one grumbles, and they sit down together to enjoy the end of the party. The balloons have all gone slightly limp and wrinkly (a bit like the elifants) but no one has really noticed. The sun is still hot and the jelly is wibbling peacefully…
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
ch02) earlier 10.30am
Zobe went downstairs and into the kitchen, closely followed by a small friendly cat called Mr. Kibbles. In the kitchen Zobe rolled the dice with eager anticipation, and much to her delight she found herself climbing up a ladder to number 34, having narrowly avoided a boa constrictor in number 32. She hadn’t yet noticed the Mexican grass snake occupying square 35, but we don’t need to worry about that for a little while.
She found an invitation on the billiards table:
“Do we need to establish that Ellie, Ollie, Oily et al. are elephantes?” inquired Ben.
“Yeh I guess so,” replies Judy, resigned now to the inevitable interruptions.
THEY ARE ELEPHANTS. It’s also useful to note at this point that all eliphants are balloon fanatics and have a network of secret balloon societies throughout the world. Balloons add meaning to an olifent’s life and are the reason they are usually so calm and peaceful.
“OK, it’s established….
“ooh, except that al isn’t an illyfunkt. He’s a croc!” exclaimed Judy.
“Oh yes, sorry,” said Ben, “easy mistake to make.”
This is true. Al is, after all, a master of disguise. It’s the wig that does it.
The wig, which is excitable even at the best of times, leapt up from Al’s head and into square 34 where it encountered Zobe. “Hello!” she said, “I’ve always wanted a pet!” she caught the wig and tied a lead onto it. The wig was not impressed, but its random flailings were very useful for fighting the snake in the next square, so Zobe could continue unafraid.
Squeak said the mice.
She found an invitation on the billiards table:
“Calling all balloons and balloon enthusiasts!
We are having a party today, and would love it if you could come.
Its at 7 o’clock in the zoo. Hope you can make it, lots of love from Ellie, Ollie, Oily and Phil.”
“Do we need to establish that Ellie, Ollie, Oily et al. are elephantes?” inquired Ben.
“Yeh I guess so,” replies Judy, resigned now to the inevitable interruptions.
THEY ARE ELEPHANTS. It’s also useful to note at this point that all eliphants are balloon fanatics and have a network of secret balloon societies throughout the world. Balloons add meaning to an olifent’s life and are the reason they are usually so calm and peaceful.
“OK, it’s established….
“ooh, except that al isn’t an illyfunkt. He’s a croc!” exclaimed Judy.
“Oh yes, sorry,” said Ben, “easy mistake to make.”
This is true. Al is, after all, a master of disguise. It’s the wig that does it.
The wig, which is excitable even at the best of times, leapt up from Al’s head and into square 34 where it encountered Zobe. “Hello!” she said, “I’ve always wanted a pet!” she caught the wig and tied a lead onto it. The wig was not impressed, but its random flailings were very useful for fighting the snake in the next square, so Zobe could continue unafraid.
Squeak said the mice.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
ch13) later 10.50 pm
The balloons have all gone slightly limp and wrinkly (a bit like the elifants) but no one has really noticed. The sun is still hot and the jelly is wibbling peacefully. Al picks some albatross from his teeth. Zobe moves to straighten her dress and a piano falls out of her pocket. All eyes turn to her as she scrabbles in the dirt to retrieve it. Ollie walks forwards, with fire in his eyes, and she stands up slowly to look at him.
“You have offended us in every possible way today. we were willing to let it go on the basis of a long and happy friendship but this final insult cannot be forgotten. You have killed one of us, and now you must pay the pies.”
“But I don’t have any pies,” sobs Zobe.
“Then you must pay the ultimate price, which is what I actually meant to type in the first place,” he replies.
The others form a tight circle around them as Zobe hands over her special shimmery balloon. She falls face down to the floor, weeping pitifully.
Ollie’s foot rises up into the air, and a second later – BANG!!
Zobe’s head cracks against the concrete floor, and her body goes limp. The elephant turns and walks away…
“You have offended us in every possible way today. we were willing to let it go on the basis of a long and happy friendship but this final insult cannot be forgotten. You have killed one of us, and now you must pay the pies.”
“But I don’t have any pies,” sobs Zobe.
“Then you must pay the ultimate price, which is what I actually meant to type in the first place,” he replies.
The others form a tight circle around them as Zobe hands over her special shimmery balloon. She falls face down to the floor, weeping pitifully.
Ollie’s foot rises up into the air, and a second later – BANG!!
Zobe’s head cracks against the concrete floor, and her body goes limp. The elephant turns and walks away…
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
driving
things i saw whilst driving home today:a vertical rainbow. it wasn't just huge and very uncurvy*, it was just vertical stripes, as in the very artistic impression to the left.
a lorry driving down the hard shoulder. not in an emergency, not in trouble, just using it as an extra lane of the motorway.
one lorry taking 12 miles to overtake another lorry, causing a several hundred car tailback.
lane closed signs over a lane that didn't exist.
a wandering minstrel (it was one i dropped).
a deer.
well it livened up the journey, anyway.
--
*ok, it probably was, but that's not the point.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Very special day today!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Zoe
Happy birthday to you!!!!
Hip-hip Hooray
Hip-hip Hooray
Hip-hip Hooray
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Zoe
Happy birthday to you!!!!
Hip-hip Hooray
Hip-hip Hooray
Hip-hip Hooray
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
upset
it's also rather upsetting that my random throwaway 5-minute picture of the google homepage with the word ben very badly superimposed on it has garnered 8 comments, whilst the amazing first two installments of what is quite possible the best story ever written has elicited a grand total of none.
shame on you zobe, it's all your fault.
shame on you zobe, it's all your fault.
lost without you
i have left my mobile phone at home today. this was not a deliberate act and it is one that is causing me much trauma. just think of all the vitally important calls i must be missing. all those unanswered text messages just sitting there waiting for a reply. that comforting feeling of knowing that i am 'in touch', no matter where i am.
how am i going to cope?
funny to think that there was a time when we survived without mobile phones.
ring ring.
how am i going to cope?
funny to think that there was a time when we survived without mobile phones.
ring ring.
complaint
more people should be appreciating this story. actual effort went in to writing this one, but i'm not sure i'll bother to post the rest until someone (ie Zoe) reads it, comments on how wonderful it is and apologises for being so useless.
in the meantime i shall write a song about useless people:
zome people are zo uzeless
others are a little bit better
everybody's a bit useless though
....guess i'll just have to get over it.
in the meantime i shall write a song about useless people:
zome people are zo uzeless
others are a little bit better
everybody's a bit useless though
....guess i'll just have to get over it.
Monday, May 15, 2006
inspiration - chapter 5
Chapter 5
The escalators weren't halfway up or down themselves either. Or at least they were, but they were both at the same time, as well as being all the way up and all the way down, along with a little tiny bit of the way down and very near the bottom. What they thought on the matter of little green men with water pistols has yet to be recorded. But it was probably a short thought. And a metallic one too.
The escalators weren't halfway up or down themselves either. Or at least they were, but they were both at the same time, as well as being all the way up and all the way down, along with a little tiny bit of the way down and very near the bottom. What they thought on the matter of little green men with water pistols has yet to be recorded. But it was probably a short thought. And a metallic one too.
ch01) the beginning 9:30 am
Zobe woke up and stretched. Sunlight poured through the windows like lumpy custard, the sky was pale blue streaked with orange and purple and she could hear a gentle wind whispering in the trees. She tutted at the gossiping wind, and as she got out of bed thoughts flicked through her mind.
“Lovely weather for Frisbee”
“Should I wear the horizontally stripy socks or the vertically stripy socks?”
And, most importantly of all, “where did I put my hat?”
“Is it a big floppy hat?” asked Ben.
“Yes. And it has a big flower on it.”
“Definitely!”
Not so sure about this Judy decided to let Zobe have a finite hat. De-finite hats are fairly cumbersome and so last season.
Back to the story…
The anticyclonic conditions caused Zobe to feel light headed (I can justify this if you like. It does work with a little pseudo-physics) and she began to dance around the room.
By the way, she decided to wear one of each of the socks. And she did wear the hat, and may or may not decide to play Frisbee.
“Lovely weather for Frisbee”
“Should I wear the horizontally stripy socks or the vertically stripy socks?”
And, most importantly of all, “where did I put my hat?”
“Is it a big floppy hat?” asked Ben.
“Yes. And it has a big flower on it.”
“Definitely!”
Not so sure about this Judy decided to let Zobe have a finite hat. De-finite hats are fairly cumbersome and so last season.
Back to the story…
The anticyclonic conditions caused Zobe to feel light headed (I can justify this if you like. It does work with a little pseudo-physics) and she began to dance around the room.
By the way, she decided to wear one of each of the socks. And she did wear the hat, and may or may not decide to play Frisbee.
news
found something out today...
the existence of microwave ovens in a useable form is undeniable proof that the universe has a creator!
and even more excitingly, i get to dress Sanjeev up as a pirate with a glittery beard on friday. which i have been trying to do all year!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
ch14) you're gonna love us...
I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Mostly about albatrosses, it’s true, but that’s not really the point.
I’ve also been thinking about how Zobe is about to be trampled to death by an angry elephant…
enjoy.
THE END
Zobe’s head cracks against the concrete floor, and her body goes limp. The elephant turns and walks away.
There’s a whisper from the crowd, “he got the wrong balloon.”
“Whoops.” Breathes Ellie
Ollie turns round and looks embarrassed. “Well…” he says, “…Worse things happen at sea, eh?”
...to have been continued...
I’ve also been thinking about how Zobe is about to be trampled to death by an angry elephant…
enjoy.
Zobe’s good day
THE END
Zobe’s head cracks against the concrete floor, and her body goes limp. The elephant turns and walks away. There’s a whisper from the crowd, “he got the wrong balloon.”
“Whoops.” Breathes Ellie
Ollie turns round and looks embarrassed. “Well…” he says, “…Worse things happen at sea, eh?”
...to have been continued...
Monday, April 24, 2006
inspiration - chapter 4
Chapter 4
Agatha Christie wasn't halfway up or halfway down an escalator in Woolworths. She wasn't even in Woolworths. Not that she didn't like Woolworths, she often shopped there. She was especially partial to their two for the price of one offer on Mint Poppets. She couldn't abide the toffee ones though, her teeth weren't what they used to be. Still, that's what came of being over one thousand years old and having been born well before toothbrushes were invented.
As she sat soaking up the sun in the well appointed garden shed in Hampsted where she lived, she was startled by her telephone ringing. It was Arthur, her friend from the Telegraph who kept her up to date on the latest news.
"Hi Agatha", he said, "heard the latest news?"
"You mean the government's new initiative on crime?" She asked.
"No," replied Arthur, "the sudden disappearance of all the advertising executives in Islington".
Stunned, Agatha let the phone drop. The sudden disappearance of all the advertising executives in Islington could only mean one thing: that all the advertising executives in Islington had suddenly disappeared. Pausing only to grab her helmet and her A to Z, Agatha jumped on her green scooter and headed for Islington. Sure enough, a quick scan of the witterometer led her to the back garden of "Dunadvertising", where she was just in time to knock out a little green man with a water pistol as he materialised on the lawn.
"Are you still there?", said Arthur.
Agatha Christie wasn't halfway up or halfway down an escalator in Woolworths. She wasn't even in Woolworths. Not that she didn't like Woolworths, she often shopped there. She was especially partial to their two for the price of one offer on Mint Poppets. She couldn't abide the toffee ones though, her teeth weren't what they used to be. Still, that's what came of being over one thousand years old and having been born well before toothbrushes were invented.
As she sat soaking up the sun in the well appointed garden shed in Hampsted where she lived, she was startled by her telephone ringing. It was Arthur, her friend from the Telegraph who kept her up to date on the latest news.
"Hi Agatha", he said, "heard the latest news?"
"You mean the government's new initiative on crime?" She asked.
"No," replied Arthur, "the sudden disappearance of all the advertising executives in Islington".
Stunned, Agatha let the phone drop. The sudden disappearance of all the advertising executives in Islington could only mean one thing: that all the advertising executives in Islington had suddenly disappeared. Pausing only to grab her helmet and her A to Z, Agatha jumped on her green scooter and headed for Islington. Sure enough, a quick scan of the witterometer led her to the back garden of "Dunadvertising", where she was just in time to knock out a little green man with a water pistol as he materialised on the lawn.
"Are you still there?", said Arthur.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
zobe still on holiday
...and a little jaunt over to the snow slopes for some extreme snowboarding action. did nobody tell her she's meant to be on the snowboard?
zobe on holiday
tired from all her exertions, zobe felt she needed a holiday and popped off for a bit of sightseeing. a little trip to paris to climb the eiffel tower...
hide and seek
zobe is a fun loving little soul and has decided to play hide and seek. can you find her?
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