a story written in the fourth person

in the future, it might just happen that one would be late for the bus in the morning and would therefore have to run for the bus.

possibly this would cause one to slip on a carelessly placed banana skin and come crashing to the pavement, thus missing the bus.

in light of this tragedy, one would have to consider whether to wait for the next bus or to seek an alternative method of transportation.

or one might feel that this was a sign that the bus was not meant to be caught this morning and go back home for a cup of tea. (which would at least make judy happy)

one might then decide to go for a walk. to keep oneself sustained one might decide to eat a doughnut first. just in case the walk became long and one doughnut wasn't enough, one might decide to take one to eat on the way.

one might then decide that one to eat on the way was not enough and that two would be more appropriate, so one would take two to eat on the way. in fact, if it was a hot day, one might decide to take three to satisfy one's hunger for doughnuts. or four for one's hunger.

when one returned from the walk, one might feel that the five doughnuts eaten today was a little excessive, one might indeed feel a little sicks. (s)even though one ate loads of doughnuts (nein! said a passing german), one's at-ten-tion is being diverted elsewhere and one decides to make a leavened loaf of bread for twelve friends and thir teen-age children. for teen-agers it's best for one to use plenty of yeast, to make it less stif-f. if teen-agers have stiff bread they might hurt themselves, essex teenagers especially. i can't fit seventeen in, so i'm gonna cheat and just write it.

personally, i h-ate teen-agers (despite being one), their inane teenage chatter upsets one(especially when it sounds that posh).

one might then decide it might be better for this post if it went yellow, just to finish on a nice number

Aha!!!!

Now I have had my revenge for the injustice of my many deaths!!!!

Bob and the frog are no longer team members here!!!! When I am satisfied with their
apologies then I will consider letting them back!!!!

(You don't have to stop killing me you just have to justify these deaths, like the live organ doner on Monty Python, others will benefit!!)

inspiration - chapter 2

Chapter 2

Belinda was quite sure how she'd come to be half-way down an escalator in Woolworth's. She'd just spent 4 hours trailing round town looking for a butter dish and she was thoroughly peeved. Oh yes, plenty of places had butter dishes but they were all too small or too large, or a strange shape, or just the wrong shade of violet. She'd spent 25 minutes in that last shop trying to explain to the shop assistant exactly why the chromium plated butter dish was not suitable to her exact requirements (it clashed with her kitchen curtains) and why the shop in question really should listen to the needs of its customers before putting chromium on everything. As she silently fumed to herself she was rather shocked to see a funny little man in a lion-skin cape passing her on the other escalator. Intrigued, she turned her head to watch him. He appeared to be a little disorientated - he seemed to be flailing a lot - and she was more than a little amused when he reached the top and went headfirst into a pile of saucepans. She was even more amused when, one by one, the saucepans clattered down on the funny little man's head. She was not at all amused when she was shot right between the eyes by a little green man with a water pistol.

In fact she was distinctly unamused and told the little green man so in no uncertain terms, before her brain cross-referenced with her eyes and caught up with her mouth, finally telling her sense of balance that she should slowly and majestically keel over in a dead faint. Fortunately by now she had already reached the bottom of the escalator or she would certainly have done so rather quicker than planned. Equally fortunately she managed to fall onto soft grass, quite a feat in the music section of Woolworths. As her brain finally gave up telling her eyes that little green men didn't exist, the last thing she saw was a well-thumbed paperback. Clearly visible in large gold letters was the name "Agatha Christie"

Hey Jude (re-written)

Hey Jude
Don't be a fool
Just keep your eyes open
Remember to look both ways 'fore you cross
Then you can keep
From getting squashed

Bananananananaaaaa
Nanananaaaaaa
Flat Jude!!

repetitive

re·pet·i·tive adj.

-Given to or characterized by repetition.
-what these posts have become.

shame

shame n.

-A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. (or not reading a blog which is, after all, made 'specially for you)
-Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame? (well?)
-One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
-A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.
-A great disappointment.
-something that zobe should be feeling, having caused so much distress to her friends.

ungrateful

un·grate·ful
adj.

-Not feeling or exhibiting gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.
-Not agreeable or pleasant; repellent: “I will not perform the ungrateful task of comparing cases of failure” (Abraham Lincoln).
-not reading a story which was written especially for you.

famous people who could be described as ungrateful include: zobe

pointless

pointless (adj)

- lacking meaning, senseless, ineffectual
- not having a point especially a sharp point
- serving no useful purpose; having no excuse for being
- lacking import
- making pointed remarks about somebody not reading a blog, on the blog

disappoint

disappoint (vt)

- to frustrate the hopes or expectations of
- to prevent the fulfilment of
- to cause disappointment
- to know full well that an amazing story has been written about you, specially for you, and ruedely not to bother reading it for ages

Zobe Wan Gavinci on the moon

At the moment, Zobe Wan Gavinci is hanging from a cliff by her hair.
Ouch!!! That’s gotta hurt.

Shall we save her from the cliff?
Yeh. I think so.
Right. How are we going to do that then?

Well…

we should go and get a bungee rope and tie it on to Zobe and then she can bungee jump and bounce back up onto the cliff.

Oooh…good idea!

Zobe was less sure about the bungee idea.
“it’s gonna ruin my make up,” she said, “and it took me sooo long to do it this morning”

“stop your pathetic whining!” said Harriet. “get on with it,”

nobody, but nobody, argues with an angry 7 year old. So Zobe did as she was told.


A moment later...

Oh dear, thought Judy.

We remembered to tie the rope onto Zobe. But did we tie the other end onto anything?
No…I’m still holding it, aren’t I?
And Zobe is quickly heading towards the ground…

Hmm.

So the bungee idea failed. Both Zobe Wan and Judy fell to their deaths. They made a rather nasty mess on the ground. But Zobe came back to life, and magically found herself back in the zoo, ready to be killed in a variety of interesting ways during the rest of the story.

And Judy can come to life again as well.

“oh, does she have to?” said Harriet, “she’s sooo annoying!”

but Judy was the one doing the typing. So she brought herself back to life.

"have a muffin" she said to zobe. "thanks" said zobe, "what flavour is it?"
"rhodendron" said judy
"really" said zobe, "i've not had rhodedendron muffins before, do they taste nice?"
"i'm not really sure" said judy, i've not had one before
"they're horrible" said harriet, feeling that she hadn't been in the story for far too long
"hey, what about me?" said ben, who hadn't been in the story at all
"shutup" said judy and harriet together
"that's not very nice" said a passing lithuanian traffic warden
“who asked you” asked the small black fox?
“i did” said judy
“no you didn’t” said harriet
“no she didn’t say that” said judy, “you just made that up”
“good point” said the invisible man
“stop this” said ben, “get back to zobe in the zoo”
“ok” said jude.

back in the zoo, zobe was bored of waiting to be killed so she decided she’d visit a dangerous animal like a mongoose. however, as there wasn’t a picture of her with a mongoose so she had to settle for a nice safe animal like a lion.



“aaaawwww, look at the cute and cuddly ickle lions” said zobe, “aren’t they adorable. Listen to that lovely loud purring!”




tragically, as she reached out to stroke the cute and cuddly ickle lion, disaster struck. (dum dum DUM)









“that’s gotta hurt” said the little black fox


“no kidding” said judy, “definitely going to sting in the morning.”


“nah, I don’t think so,” said the lithuanian traffic warden, who happened to be passing again.


“ok, that will hurt” said the lithuanian traffic warden.

“go home” shouted jude, ben, harriet and zobe in unison.

“no I didn’t” said harriet! “I wasn’t even there!”

“well technically, neither were we” said jude, zobe and ben

“it’s a story” said the little black fox, “get over it”

did that make sense? no? good.

“but it does hurt” said zobe
“what does?” said ben
“erm, being killed by a lion” said zobe
“ah, that” said judy
“twice” said zobe.
“once is understandable but twice is just careless” said ben
“there’s too much conversation going on here” said michael fish, “showers, clearing later.”

good point, let’s get on with the story said nobody. There’s lots more animals that haven’t killed zobe yet. Like bears. They haven’t had their chance yet! Lets give the bears a chance!

Zobe wasn’t keen and tried running in the opposite direction but due to a strange twist in the space-time continuum she ended up running right into the bear enclosure and being eaten by them too. What an exciting life she leads!


who’s been eating in my enclosure didn’t say daddy bear (because they were still trying to avoid the endless conversations). Who’s been eating in my enclosure didn’t say mummy bear. Who’s been eating in my enclosure didn’t say baby bear. Hang on a minute, how many enclosures are there didn’t say zobe. However, she didn’t say it because she was dead again, not because she was sick of the conversations. Although she was.


After a quick recovery from death, she decided that lions and bears were too dangerous and she’d head for safer animals. She’s not learning yet – get out of the zoo whilst you’re still alive!!!! Oh, too late for that...

Sounds like it could be a good film that, “recovery from death”, starring zobe doll as zobe, assorted animals as zobe-eaters and a mystery special guest as a mystery special character you haven’t met yet.

“hey, we’re feeling left out here” said judy and ben. “this is our story and we’re not in it nearly enough”

“stop being so selfish” said harriet, “I’m taking over the story, get out!”

“hey” said zobe, “this ain’t your story, it’s mine! It’s all about me! I’m taking over. And am going somewhere nice and safe like the warthog pen. See, nothing bad could possibly happen here…..”

sadly as the words left her mouth, she tripped on them and fell headfirst into the mud.



“this story is dull.” Said harriet, “it’s just so you can get the pictures in.”

“yes,” said judy, “and your point is…?”

“the pictures are cool. They don’t need much explaining. Zobe went to the zoo, and being very tasty, was eaten. Many many times. Simple”

“and luckily, we were there to photograph all of these brutal attacks.” Said ben

“why didn’t you try to save me?” said Zobe

“there was blood EVERYWHERE!” said judy, “I would have got my hands dirty, and I’ve only just had my monthly bath.”

“you keep coming back to life again so we didn’t think we needed to bother” said ben

“and I couldn’t help,” said the banananananananarama, “cos I don’t even exist.”

Oh and by the way, in between all this getting eaten, Zobe managed to make a mystery special friend. She doesn’t have a name yet but she is played by a mystery special guest. (oooh)

We thought about ending on another cliffhanger, but that might get a bit repetitive.
and painful (for zobe that is), she's already been eaten goodness knows how many times

i think we should just let her go home and have a nice cup of tea
even though she doesnt like tea (strange child)...

aww look, there she goes... home to mummy.


network, conformity and phonetically will be appearing in the next installment. Well, they might be, but I don’t want to make any rash promises. They will attempt to find themselves in the next installment. Althought that sounds like they have a choice. I will try to fit them in somewhere. If I remember. Maybe. Promise.

with love, as always xxx

inspiration - chapter 1

Chapter 1

Felix was unsure exactly how he'd come to be half-way up an escalator in Woolworth's. The last thing he remembered was sitting down in the garden with a good Agatha Christie. It was reasonable to assume that the Agatha Christie had contained no reference to Woolworth's, so his current situation was rather of a mystery. As, come to think of it, was the lion-skin cape he appeared to be wearing. After panicking intensely for a couple of seconds, Felix closed his eyes, determined to get a firm grip on the situation, as well as on the hand-rail which his aimlessly flailing right hand had recently discovered.

"Calm down", he muttered to himself, "Calm down and think rationally".

Several rational thoughts later he was no further forward, as even Felix's hyper-intelligent mind couldn't think of a sensible reason for the sudden disappearance of his garden and its replacement by a large department store. Soon, the rational gave way to the irrational, which were then bullied out of the way by the highly illogical, only to be jumped from behind by the quite plainly ridiculous. It was fortunate that at this point the escalator reached its destination (the kitchen utensil department), or Felix would soon have been hiding behind a large wok in order to escape the little green men with water pistols. Less fortunate was the fact that he had failed to notice the imminent arrival of said department, and so fell headlong into the rather large pile of stainless steel saucepans that had been lovingly arranged there for his perusal.

As he lost consciousness, Felix was rather relieved to notice that he hadn't broken anything in his fall. At least, nothing that he'd have to pay for. He was sure the hospital could sort out the arm in no time.

(To be continued... with apologies to Dave for stealing chapter 1!)

a story written in the second person

one day, you were sitting reading this blog.

"that's interesting" you thought, "there's a story written in the second person. i wonder what that's about".

scrolling down the page, past the excellent story written in the first person, you came to this story and were amazed to see that it was all about you!

"how interesting" you thought, "does that mean that if i start thinking about purple elephants, they'll magically appear in the story?"

sure enough, you saw the pink elephants appear in the story.

"oh no" you thought, "it wasn't pink elephants i was thinking about, they were purple! how very impossible, for this story to be about me and yet not be what i was thinking."

"oh dear," you chipped in, "that makes me very confused!"

"speak for yourself" you thought, "i understand it totally!"

"when did i start arguing with myself" you wondered for a short while before you chipped in with "a long, long time ago".

"in a galaxy far far away?" you asked?

"absolutely!" you chipped in.

"well, i'm not sure i like all these revelations about the inner workings of my mind" you thought. "if i'm not careful, i'm going to start thinking about..."

"no!" you cried out loud, "i'm not going to think about that because i don't want everybody else to know about..."

"oh dear" you thought, "this is really getting quite tricky. i don't think i'm very good at controlling my thoughts."

quickly, you decided to stop reading and moved on to the next entry.

twice upon a time (the further adventures of the little black fox)

twice upon a time there was a little black fox who kept being mistaken for a small black pussy cat. the little black fox was feeling very smug having not only escaped from the belly of a large black fox and a large brown bunny rabbit, but also having successfully negotiated a small black hole and emerged unscathed.

he was however feeling a little lonely as the small black hole had sucked in all the matter in the universe and he was left all on his own in an endless void.

his little black eyes welled with tears and he thought back with sorrow to the previous day when his tiny black brother had hit him in the face with a big black stick and given him the black eyes.

sniffling his little black nose somewhat he curled up in a little black corner and tried to block the black thoughts from his little black mind.

"ah well", he thought, "it could be worse".

bananas in pajamas

i know how being emotional can make you hungry, so now zobe doll has her emotions back, she might need a little snack

i hope she enjoys it

by popular request she's also regrown her hair and changed into a little black number


doesn't she like nice!

i hope this cheers you up zoe.

i love you really. lots and lots and lots.

and i'm glad that you have emotions now.

How Dare You!!!!

Why can I do nothing on the site anymore?? You've taken me off the members list havn't you!!! How dare you do that!!!! Put me back on right now!!!

vanished!

we've vanished! is it some evil trick of the evil shrinking pixies? has the little black fox eaten us?? or has the evil night duck poked us into oblivion??? we're no longer listed anywhere...

Zobe Wan Gavinci at the Zoo

It’s a very special day today. Zobe Wan Gavinci is going to the zoo. Isn’t that exciting?

She got up very early to get ready. She put on her best blue dress. Then decided to take it off again. She is a crazy little girly.

She was a little confused as to why she was missing a tooth, but decided not to argue. We all know Jude would beat Zobe in a fight, so she held her tongue. Then she let go of her tongue cos it was slimy. Sorry, unneccessary comment there...

She ate her fish cakes for breakfast with glee, and then made a nice sloppy bowl of porridge for her baby brother.

As she doesn’t actually have a baby brother, and anyway he doesn’t like porridge, she had to eat it all herself and got very very full.

“Feel free to chip in anywhere,” said Ermintrude.

“Chip,” replied the toaster.

Fortunately she didn't have chips too otherwise she would have burst everywhere. And then there would have been fish cake and sloppy porridge all over the place, and that would not have been good.

Setting off for the zoo (having put her best blue dress back on again - no gratuitous nudity in this story)
“She can't have her blue dress on ‘cos she is naked in most of the pictures we have, or at least not wearing a blue dress,” said a dancing hippo.
“Good point,” shouted Ben from Whittington (a.k.a. the middle of nowhere), “scratch that last bit then.”
“Hey! That was harsh,” said Judy, “how did the evil shrinking pixie get to be a narrator?”


Setting off for the zoo (having put her cylindrical brown dress on - still no gratuitous nudity in this story), Zobe Wan hopped onto the bus for the short journey to the zoo.

“Hang on two tics.”

Tic

Tic

“OK, go for it :-)”

Zobe stepped off the bus at the zoo, remembering to let it stop first (this time).

The bus drove away. Bye bye bus!

Oh no!!! She had forgotten to hop. She looked around to check that no one had noticed. Phew!

She hopped to the entrance and paid to go in (what a good little Zobe she is!)

Bored of the long build up, Zobe arrived at the zoo.

Oh, she’s already done that

“Keep up!” Judy said, giving Ben a withering look.

“You’re making me go backwards and forwards,” complained Zobe, “which is very difficult if you have to hop everywhere.”

She got into the zoo and set off to visit the animals.

Being a sensible Zobe Wan she headed straight for the penguins, intending to steal one and take it home as a pet.

Unfortunately we’ve neglected to make a zobe-penguin pic, so we shall move swiftly on.

On realising that she hadn't brought a carrier bag and would have to eat the penguin to smuggle it out she thought better of it and decided to continue on her way.

“You just had to talk about the penguins again, didn’t you!?”
“Why do we bother Judy?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you talking to yourself, Judy?”
“Well- look what the alternative is.”
“Ouch!”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Hi Ben”

Ben refused to answer. He’d gone in a huff with Jude for being so horrible. But he got over it soon and the story was continued.

So Zobe Wan decided to visit the giraffe instead. With a complete absence of withering looks or insults, Jude and Ben agreed that she hopped over to the giraffe enclosure and, unfortunately, forgot to stop, hurtling straight over the fence and landing at the feet of the giraffe.

“Whee,” cried Zobe as she summersaulted gracefully through the air.

“Yeah, as if,” replied the narrators. We’ve already said that you hurtle over the fence. Don’t try to make it sound better.

Zobe hung her head in shame.

Horrified at this terrible turn of events, Jude apologised profusely for being so insulting earlier, promised not to cast any more withering looks, at least for the rest of the story, and both her and Ben forgot about Zobe who was getting to know the giraffe better.

“I’m not too sure ‘bout this apologizing malarkey,” said the giraffe, “seems very out of character to me.”

Luckily, a warden was on hand to give the giraffe a slap, and it shut up.

Ben proudly sent a picture of Zobe with the penguins. It was rather cool, but messed up the story slightly since a lot of effort (well, a couple of lines) were taken to explain how there were no pictures of Zobe with the penguins. Judy considered going back and changing it, but decided better of it. Instead, she sent Zobe on a detour back to the penguins, and then let her hop to the giraffes again.

“Can I summersault gracefully into the enclosure this time?” pleaded Zobe…

“oh, go on then”

Zobe summersaulted gracefully into the giraffe enclosure.

Did anything exciting happen there?

Well, Zobe had her hair nibbled. Lovely!

“We need to include the word rudimentary,” Ben reminded Judy.

“Look, you just have!” said Judy

“Problem solved!”

Having not been notified of this part of the story, Ben had in fact come up with a totally different way of including the word rudimentary...

“I think the giraffe should say it,” he wrote
“He could pull out a dictionary, and look up rudimentary.”

RUDIMENTARY:
"elementary; crude, primitive or makeshift; in an early or arrested stage of development"

“Strangely applicable,” thought the giraffe

"Did anything exciting happen in the giraffe enclosure" asked Jude again, "or shall we leave it on a cliff hanger".

"Definitely a cliff hanger" replied Ben

"Hang on a minute" screamed Zobe, "I'm not hanging off any cliffs."

But it was too late.

Will Zobe escape from dangling by her hair from a cliff?

Where did the cliff come from anyway?

And will Jude and Ben manage to include the words "lithuanian", "muffin" and "rhodedendron" in the next installment?

hello

this is a post to say how much i love and admire Bob and Belinda. especially Bob, although Belinda's not so bad. they are so cool. i wish i was just like them.

Bob and Belinda do bully me though.....so maybe I don't like them that much anymore....

a small black bedtime story

once upon a time there was a small black fox who kept being mistaken for a small black pussy cat. he lived all alone in a small black hole (he was only a small black fox) where he spent his time eating jam doughnuts.

one day a small brown bunny rabbit found the small black hole and thought "that looks exciting, i wonder what delights could be at the bottom of this small black hole". he didn't ever have time to regret his curiosity. the next morning, the small black fox was wearing a small brown pair of rabbit-fur mittens. no longer was he mistaken for a small black pussy cat! he was now mistaken for a small black pussy cat wearing small brown rabbit-fur mittens.

the other small brown bunny rabbits were very upset by the loss of their friend and so they all ganged up together in a big small brown bunny rabbit gang and went to the small black hole to confront the small black fox who kept being mistaken for a small black pussy cat wearing small brown rabbit-fur mittens.

the next morning, the small black fox had enough rabbit fur for a large brown rabbit-fur coat! however before he could be mistaken for a small black pussy cat wearing a large brown rabbit-fur coat he was eaten by a large black fox.

smugly the large black fox headed back to the small black hole but on the way he was eaten by a large brown bunny rabbit and so all was right with the world

and then the small black hole woke up, sucked in all the matter in the universe and went pop.

this story was brought to you by ben but was amended after judy (quite rightly) told him he'd got it wrong. and it's much better now.

A Bedtime Story

hey ben, tell us the story 'bout the fox in a rabbit suit. Makes a change from badger suits, anyway

mwah ha ha ha

the randomfrog gets everywhere, there's no escaping!

and it does do the control and shift thing... look, i press control and shift and that happens! then i have to press it again to get back to this screen. control and shift, looks like that, then control and shift and looks like this again!

and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

The Adventures of Zobe Wan Gavinci

the long awaited adventures of the zobe doll begin here. are you excited? would you like to humour us and at least pretend?

once upon a time there was a little "girl" called zobe wan gavinci. she had long flowing embroidery hair and wavy arms. she was a happy little soul, despite her oversized feet.

"it always annoys me when you press controll and shift to select something, cos it goes to preview" she said. "look, try it"

"nope, just my computer"
"sure ben, whatever you say. i think you may have been on the strawberry laces again"

"noooooo not the strawberry laces!!!!!"

"mmm edible hair"

hang on, that makes no sense, said the small dog from the previous story.

"aaargh, what are you doing here?" said the banananananananarama

"i'm not really here," he replied, vanishing.

"my that was strange," said the bananananananarama, "i wonder what will happen next..."


tune in soon for the next installment, which will include these words...
fish cake
sloppy
rudimentary

this story comes to you with love and cheese from judy and ben :-)

Judy

Oh Judy you so fine, you so fine you blow my mid hey Judy hey hey
Hey Judy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also...

Hey Jude, dont be afraid
Take a sad song,
And make it better.