Monday, February 27, 2006

A Story in the First Person

One day I was just being picky to annoy Judy.
No change there then.
So, it was just a typical day in the world of Zobe-Bob, and I looked out of the window at the street below.
What did I see there?
Go on, guess...
No, not a yellow submarine, guess again.
Oh, go on, please...
Yes you do want to guess.
Because it's fun!
Please...
No, I'm not going to tell you.
Oh, alright then.
I saw...
...
(drum roll)
...

a large pink trifle

I did...honest!!
It was wibbly and wobbly and a small dog was looking at it with a strange expression on its face .
The kind of expression dogs usually reserve for lampposts.
Don't think about it too much.

Senseing danger, I leapt (in a superhero fashion) from my bed and out of the window.
Unfortunately , I had forgotten that I live on the fourth floor of a block of flats. I had also forgotten to open the window.
It was a good job I had put on my rubber jump suit that day.
I hit the street and bounced.
To my dismay, having bounced of several phone boxes I landed in the trifle.
As the pink goo engulfed me I saw the small dog walk towards me, that strange expression still on it's face.
You can see where this is going, can't you...
I will spare you the details, suffice to say that when I managed to remove myself from the trifle I was very much in need of a shower.
A lack of forward planning meant that when I had exited my residence I had neglected to pick up my front door key.
Ah.
I decided therefore to head to the local swimming baths.

On a side issue, have you ever jumped into a trifle wearing a rubber jump suit? No? Well, lucky you. A strange reaction occurs (probably involving bacon - most things do), the end result of which is the slow decay of the rubber.

By the time I reached the swimming baths I was almost entirely naked.

For anyone planning to make a film of this story (it's surely going to happen) it is worth noting that I have extremely long hair. Therefore, no full nudity shots are required (think Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro).

10 minutes into my pleasant, refreshing swim I became aware that there were rather fewer people around than usual, and rather more seahorses. And jellyfish. And sharks.
A question slowly entered my mind...
Why had I come swimming at the National Sealife Centre?

After a few moments of contemplation I decided that my more immediate concern was to remove myself from the pirahna tank. Preferably with all my extremities in tact.
I remembered some good advice given to me by my mother:
"Your flower arrangement will stay fresh much longer if you cut the stalks diagonally, rather than straight across."
Not particularly relevant, but always good to know.

I harpooned the fish with my trusty harpoonerer and doggy paddled to the surface.
I climbed out of the tank and continued on my merry way.

And then I had a jam doughnut for breakfast.

7 comments:

ZoB1 said...

I would like to comment on here as i'm sure this post feels left out as no-one has commented here yet. Plus....this is where it all began...

Anonymous said...

ah zoe...do you remember that fatefull day...?

long long ago.

and have you ever noticed...this blog actually IS dave's fault!!! cos if he hadn't driven past n scared you that morning, you might not have told me the jam doughnut story. and then there would have been no inspiration to make us write our story.

so it's dave's fault that you're about to die in a range of interesting ways... (as soon as ben and i get round to writing it - the pics are ready)... and it's dave's fault that the whole world knows about your emotions!

which all gives a wonderful sense of purpose to my rambling. something like that, anyway.

randomfrog said...

you shouldn't sound surprised - it's always dave's fault!

poor, poor zoe, to die in such a range of interesting ways... it's almost a shame...

randomfrog said...

and also i stuck it to the top of the page with super glue, just in case.

randomfrog said...

it's ok, it's learnt how to scroll the page so when it needs a bit of privacy it just scrolls off the top of the screen and nobody can see any more.

ZoB1 said...

That doesn't solve the holiday problem though....u r a mean frog arnt u!!??

(Plz dont kill me...i'll b good....I dont even need 2 jump gracefully at any point!!)

randomfrog said...

it's too late - the next installment is already written and waiting...