a story written in the fourth person

in the future, it might just happen that one would be late for the bus in the morning and would therefore have to run for the bus.

possibly this would cause one to slip on a carelessly placed banana skin and come crashing to the pavement, thus missing the bus.

in light of this tragedy, one would have to consider whether to wait for the next bus or to seek an alternative method of transportation.

or one might feel that this was a sign that the bus was not meant to be caught this morning and go back home for a cup of tea. (which would at least make judy happy)

one might then decide to go for a walk. to keep oneself sustained one might decide to eat a doughnut first. just in case the walk became long and one doughnut wasn't enough, one might decide to take one to eat on the way.

one might then decide that one to eat on the way was not enough and that two would be more appropriate, so one would take two to eat on the way. in fact, if it was a hot day, one might decide to take three to satisfy one's hunger for doughnuts. or four for one's hunger.

when one returned from the walk, one might feel that the five doughnuts eaten today was a little excessive, one might indeed feel a little sicks. (s)even though one ate loads of doughnuts (nein! said a passing german), one's at-ten-tion is being diverted elsewhere and one decides to make a leavened loaf of bread for twelve friends and thir teen-age children. for teen-agers it's best for one to use plenty of yeast, to make it less stif-f. if teen-agers have stiff bread they might hurt themselves, essex teenagers especially. i can't fit seventeen in, so i'm gonna cheat and just write it.

personally, i h-ate teen-agers (despite being one), their inane teenage chatter upsets one(especially when it sounds that posh).

one might then decide it might be better for this post if it went yellow, just to finish on a nice number

a story written in the second person

one day, you were sitting reading this blog.

"that's interesting" you thought, "there's a story written in the second person. i wonder what that's about".

scrolling down the page, past the excellent story written in the first person, you came to this story and were amazed to see that it was all about you!

"how interesting" you thought, "does that mean that if i start thinking about purple elephants, they'll magically appear in the story?"

sure enough, you saw the pink elephants appear in the story.

"oh no" you thought, "it wasn't pink elephants i was thinking about, they were purple! how very impossible, for this story to be about me and yet not be what i was thinking."

"oh dear," you chipped in, "that makes me very confused!"

"speak for yourself" you thought, "i understand it totally!"

"when did i start arguing with myself" you wondered for a short while before you chipped in with "a long, long time ago".

"in a galaxy far far away?" you asked?

"absolutely!" you chipped in.

"well, i'm not sure i like all these revelations about the inner workings of my mind" you thought. "if i'm not careful, i'm going to start thinking about..."

"no!" you cried out loud, "i'm not going to think about that because i don't want everybody else to know about..."

"oh dear" you thought, "this is really getting quite tricky. i don't think i'm very good at controlling my thoughts."

quickly, you decided to stop reading and moved on to the next entry.

A Story in the First Person

One day I was just being picky to annoy Judy.
No change there then.
So, it was just a typical day in the world of Zobe-Bob, and I looked out of the window at the street below.
What did I see there?
Go on, guess...
No, not a yellow submarine, guess again.
Oh, go on, please...
Yes you do want to guess.
Because it's fun!
Please...
No, I'm not going to tell you.
Oh, alright then.
I saw...
...
(drum roll)
...

a large pink trifle

I did...honest!!
It was wibbly and wobbly and a small dog was looking at it with a strange expression on its face .
The kind of expression dogs usually reserve for lampposts.
Don't think about it too much.

Senseing danger, I leapt (in a superhero fashion) from my bed and out of the window.
Unfortunately , I had forgotten that I live on the fourth floor of a block of flats. I had also forgotten to open the window.
It was a good job I had put on my rubber jump suit that day.
I hit the street and bounced.
To my dismay, having bounced of several phone boxes I landed in the trifle.
As the pink goo engulfed me I saw the small dog walk towards me, that strange expression still on it's face.
You can see where this is going, can't you...
I will spare you the details, suffice to say that when I managed to remove myself from the trifle I was very much in need of a shower.
A lack of forward planning meant that when I had exited my residence I had neglected to pick up my front door key.
Ah.
I decided therefore to head to the local swimming baths.

On a side issue, have you ever jumped into a trifle wearing a rubber jump suit? No? Well, lucky you. A strange reaction occurs (probably involving bacon - most things do), the end result of which is the slow decay of the rubber.

By the time I reached the swimming baths I was almost entirely naked.

For anyone planning to make a film of this story (it's surely going to happen) it is worth noting that I have extremely long hair. Therefore, no full nudity shots are required (think Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro).

10 minutes into my pleasant, refreshing swim I became aware that there were rather fewer people around than usual, and rather more seahorses. And jellyfish. And sharks.
A question slowly entered my mind...
Why had I come swimming at the National Sealife Centre?

After a few moments of contemplation I decided that my more immediate concern was to remove myself from the pirahna tank. Preferably with all my extremities in tact.
I remembered some good advice given to me by my mother:
"Your flower arrangement will stay fresh much longer if you cut the stalks diagonally, rather than straight across."
Not particularly relevant, but always good to know.

I harpooned the fish with my trusty harpoonerer and doggy paddled to the surface.
I climbed out of the tank and continued on my merry way.

And then I had a jam doughnut for breakfast.